Thursday, August 28, 2008

Diary of a fruit fly killer....


Dear Diary,
I think I have found the second creature that could withstand a nuclear explosion. The fruit fly.

I am confident this nuisance-of-an-insect will be standing alongside the cockroach if said bomb were ever to go off. I don’t have any experience with cockroaches (thank God) but the fruit fly and I are like THIS.

I know most of you can relate to this pain-in-the-ass bug. I don’t cuss much, but I cannot help it when it comes to talking about chasing around a couple of fruit flies in my kitchen. They frustrate me to no end because they are nearly impossible to kill when you go in for the attack. They are like the Stealth Fighters of flying insects. Speedy. Jaunty. Spry…

Over the past few days, I have been like a predator stalking my prey. Swooping down with my hands in formation ready to clap it to its death. My attempts have been many. I have tried the classic approaches, grabbing at the air like a monkey when I spot it flying by. Rolling up a newspaper or magazine when I see it land on something. Arming myself with my lime-green fly swatter, and lying in wait. Which, by the way, is stupid because the swatter has small holes all over it which allows less wind resistance when going in for the kill, yet the damn fly is smaller than the holes so it just escapes…. Whatever. It’s worth the try, and makes me feel better because I’m checking things off my list of How To Kill A Fruit Fly. I have even done the old trick of putting some sugar water in a jar with a paper cone on top so the pests will fly into the jar and can’t escape. But I didn’t want to do that this time, there were only 2 fruit flies I was trying to annihilate, and I wanted to be the victor with my bare hands. I reserve that method for the occasional infestation one can get in the summer if fruits and veggies are left hanging out, inviting an all-out assault.

Aside from the physical Death Watch dance I have been doing for a few days, there’s the mental anguish. Where did these stupid flies come from? Ah, my bananas. The only fruit on my counter top that has been waiting for peak ripeness so I could make my children some banana bread. The things we deal with to make our children happy - the list is endless. However, the bananas are covered inside my glass cake dome on the counter top so the rascals can’t feast, procreate and take over the world solely from my kitchen.

So what do they want from me? Huh? Go away! I will not make it easy for you to gorge on sweat ripened fruit for you to go forth and multiply! I have deprived you of food and water, how long will it take for you to die already? Get the hint, you’re not welcome here. And why do you follow me around the house? Go back to the kitchen where my assault on you is easier. It’s hard to imagine something that small has intelligence enough to taunt me. But it sure feels like that is exactly what it’s doing when it floats by and stares me down. I swear I can hear it yelling to me, C’mon woman, show me whatcha got! Na na na na na, you can’t catch me!

So there I was, pouring my morning coffee, when I spot Zippy, (that’s what I’ll call’em) the lone fly left, taking a rest on my white kitchen cabinets. Easy to spot a black fruit fly on a white cabinet! I gently put my mug down, quietly, as if not to rouse the sleeping enemy. I tip toe ever so softly to the counter and assume my assault position (the Backward Slap is the weapon I chose for this attempt). Then whap! HA! Down that sucker fell into my sink. I quickly ran the water to be sure its journey to the ocean would be complete. I yelped aloud and danced with conviction – YES! YES! YES! It must have sounded like I had just won the lottery. It sure felt like it too. I pumped my fists over my head and did a triumphant lap around the center island, then grabbed a banana in celebration.

Victory never tasted so sweet...

4 comments:

Wendy said...

Andrea -- you know my vent on fruit flies - I could have written that post! Can I steal it... LOL just kidding!!! Thanks for the laugh!

LK said...

LOL Where there are one or two fruit flies there are usually more! Just kidding!

Midwest Mommy said...

I have been doing the same thing for two weeks now! I thought I had gotten rid of them all on Monday...today a new batch started!!!! I have found they love dirty dish towels too when I opened the laundry room to find them swarming. It just grosses me out to no end.

JoEllen said...

ROFLOL!!!

Girl you are to funny! But I know exactly what you are talking about!!!