I’ve been meaning to pull you aside and give you a talking to for quite some time now. But I have feared that I may 'accidentally' drop you and then be forced to put you out of your misery by stomping your parts firmly into the ground so that you are no longer recognizable. And I’m not the violent type, but those words do taste delicious.
I have been trying to find the right things to say to you about the space in our lives you consume. But I could not find words polite enough that would allow me to stay the Proper Lady that I am. No, you bring out the worst in me.
I did not give you the nickname “Crackberry” that you are stuck with, but I don’t need to wonder or ask why such a name has been placed upon you. I see it daily, actually hourly, no, no – every few minutes in fact. I hear it in your bleeps. Your buzzes. Your obnoxious ringtones and alerts. It is indeed like Crack to those who own you. You unsuspectingly became a rabid addiction to those who cradled your sleekness the first time they held you.
BlackBerry, you are rude and intrusive. You should come with a list of Support Group phone numbers so that we can all live in harmony. Your owners claim that you make their lives so much more productive and readily accessible, anytime, and anywhere to their employers, family, and friends. You are sneaky and deceptive and I don’t think you are waterproof if accidentally dropped in the toilet, so watch it.
I’ve just about had it with you. You have no boundaries. You lure your addicts in with your cyber claws, and they can’t go anywhere without you. You have become a body part – much like a limb. And sadly, your owners would risk life and limb when your seductive purr gives them an adrenaline rush. That rush comes at the most annoying moments too. Like during dinner conversations, or shopping, or when the children would like a page of their story turned, instead of seeing your screen light up with which running back is hurt on a Fantasy Football team.
I have challenged one of your owners recently, to see if he could go the entire 30 minutes in Costco and all the way home without even looking at or touching you. Do you know that withdrawal symptoms started before the period even got to the end of the sentence? The recognizable pull-the-device-from-it’s-holster motion is one I can spot a mile away. Said owner had difficulty not doing this sweeping motion out of pure habit. He was forced to catch himself in the act, and realized how pathetic it was that he was on autopilot to check his Crackberry every few minutes. Must you invade our privacy 24/7? There needs to be "family mode" option. And only the non-BlackBerry user gets to program it. Heh.
And just when I thought we possibly had a breakthrough – you know, the first step is admitting you have a problem – my doorbell rang. Mr. Fedex man was happily waving to me like a deranged character in The Twilight Zone as he drove away. What was in the package you ask? Oh gee, only some more crack, with a sprinkling of heroin to see if the new features could give an even better high. Nothing much, just the upgraded version of the crackberry, known as BlackBerry Bold.
And how 'bold' you are. You are relentless. You have no mercy on the rest of us. You now come with such an impressive screen, that you somehow make non-addicts like myself even want to touch you, but I’m not falling for it! My fingers are in my ears, I can't hear you...la la la la la...
This won’t be my last letter to you, I have much more to say.
But I must close for now, because my husband just got home from work and I need to send him an email to his BlackBerry from this computer, and find out how his day was…
Wednesday, November 19, 2008